


Haunted Heart

by flowerbedofsouls



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 13:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8752657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerbedofsouls/pseuds/flowerbedofsouls
Summary: Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything since back in the Glee days, and on top of that I wrote this medicated on sleeping pills. After coming back from work I decided to check if it's worth of sharing. See this as an attempt to get more people to write. Don't hate this Swede's lazy proof-reading.
> 
> I keep some Norwegian in this but most should be intelligable by the English coming after. If not, I have explanations at the end.

_“Without me, do you sleep at night?_  
_I don’t sleep at all, I close my eyes at most;_  
_Got a haunted heart, and you’re the ghost.”_

– Dennis Kalla with Change Your Mind

*

**Mamma:** _Til Isak min sønn: Fra første sekund jeg så deg 21.juni 1999 klokken 21.21har jeg elsket deg og det kommer jeg alltid til å gjøre till evig tid_

Isak reads the message, over and over ( _and over and over again_ ) until it sinks in; through his eyes down to his soul and wraps around it like a warm blanket in the winter.

His mum, whom he’s been unfairly pulling away from, loves him and cares about him and it fills him with the kind of relief you only feel when your heart’s been aching so badly for a long time, and the hook finally releases from it.

 _To my son Isak_ , it reads. She still sees him as his son, and to Isak, it’s the most important part right there. When he sent her that message (before everything went to hell) he had been preparing to—well— _not care_ about her response. But here it is, her words to his phone, filled with the best confirmation that he matters to _someone_.

 _From the first second that I saw you, on June 21 st 1999, at 9.21p.m. I have loved you_, she had written. _And I always will for eternity._

It’s the first time he lets the emotions spill over since _the incident_. The tears start falling, and he couldn’t stop them if he even tried. They burned his eyes, but they also cleanse his soul from the most heart-wrenching, damning pain he’s ever felt since his dad left them with Lea. He smiles and cries and then he just sobs, because now he has his mother but he doesn’t have his Even.

He knows logically that Sonja couldn’t possibly ever like the man her boyfriend has been cheating on, but the words she said still echo in his mind.

_Tror du at han er forelsket i deg?_

Yes, yes, he did. And it _hurts_.

_Han er jo ikke det! Det er bare en syk idé han har akkurat nå!_

He’s just a dumb, sick idea. Isak has never felt so used before, but he knows, he _knows_ it’s not either his or Even’s or Sonja’s fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault, really. Shit happens, but it _hurts_.

A choked cry escapes his lips. He bites down on his fist, and pulls his legs close. He’s just a dumb idea. He’s just a silly boy falling heads-over-heels in love with an older boy—or man—and apparently, nothing is what it seems.

Could it be possible that Even really doesn’t love him—that he doesn’t really feel anything at all for him? That all of this—all their time spent together was a _dumb idea_? That it was something that seemed good in the mind of a person who was dealing with mental health problems—to a person who had a manic episode?

He chokes on a cry again. He kicks away his computer and drops his face against his knees. His hands grab the hair on his neck and he pulls a little—just to make sure he still feels something other than this heartache.

He cries and cries and cries because he hurts and hurts and hurts. At some point his sobs have gotten loud enough to alert Eskild, Noora and even Linn. Noora is the first one sitting down beside him on the bed, moving his laptop down to the floor and holds him close to her. She gives a light, comforting kiss on his head, and strokes his hair away from his face.

None of them notices how his screen lights up just as the notification sound comes off his phone, and how his mother had written another message:

_Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love._

*

Isak stays in his room the entire day. He knows isolating himself from the real world isn’t going to help him, but he can’t face the real world yet. He wants to cling to the possibility that what he shares—shared?—with Even is real. That their _thing_ wasn’t a dumb idea of a manic mind.

He stays in his room to cry when he wants to and read about manic episodes when the tears are gone. His phone has most likely run out of battery and the somewhat burnt food Eskild brought to him is left cold on the floor on a plate, completely untouched.

Jonas came by earlier that day, and promised to come back after dinner when he noticed how exhausted Isak was. In all honesty, Isak is conflicted. On one hand, he wants his best friend to make everything right again. On the other hand, he wants to be left alone and wallow in his self-pity.

Self-hatred.

Self-doubt.

By the time Jonas comes by again, Isak has read about 50 articles about mania, both the Norwegian and English Wikipedia page and 20 articles about bipolar disorder; what it is and the various behaviours in each type.

The brief thought that he should put this amount of work on his studies passes his exhausted mind.

When Jonas knocks at the door asking if he may come inside (to which Isak gives out a hoarse, half-hearted affirmative grunt), it appears that Jonas brought both Magnus and Mahdi with him.

Isak is surprised, but also touched that his best friends are here. When his eyes make contact with Jonas’, it is obvious that Jonas immediately looks into his heart and soul to make sure that this was an okay decision. Isak gives him a light nod. _It’s fine, really_. (But not fine enough.)

“So,” Mahdi starts, looking unsure how to break the silence.

“I’m sorry about Even,” Magnus says, looking at Isak. Isak looks down and realises that here he is, obviously in pyjamas with untouched food at the floor.

What time is it anyway?

“Do you know if he’s okay?” Mahdi asks.

Isak shrugs. He doesn’t, really, because he logged off Facebook on his computer many hours ago, and he isn’t quite sure where his phone is.

“Right,” Mahdi nods and clears his throat. “So have you eaten anything?”

“Yeah,” Isak lies, because he really doesn’t want to eat anything at all.

“You sure? We brought you your favourite pizza,” Magnus says, breaking into a forced grin.

It’s Jonas who holds the pizza box.

Isak’s stomach wakes up at the waft, but his throat constricts in protest. “Maybe later,” he mumbles, pulling his legs in so his friends can join him on the bed. “I’m not really hungry right now.”

“Sure,” Jonas says, putting it away. “We’ll make sure you eat it later.”

“So what happened?” Magnus asks, sitting down beside Isak. “You met Sonja?”

_Tror du at han er forelsket i deg?_

”Yeah, I did…”

_Han er jo ikke det!_

”What happened then?”

“She told me about Even. That he was sick. That all of this,” he gestures awkwardly with his hand, “was just a dumb idea. A sick idea.” He chokes on the words. “She told me that he wasn’t really in love with me.”

“Even is sick?” Mahdi asks, frowning in concern.

“What kind of sick are we talking about here?” Magnus asks, wrinkling his forehead.

Isak sniffles. “She said he’s manic. I read up about it. As I understand it, he’s probably bipolar.”

“Oh,” Jonas mumbles quietly.

“I just—“ Isak waves his hands again, “I just don’t know what to feel. There isn’t really anyone to blame, you know? And—and all that I’ve been feeling for him is just based on a lie? On a fantasy?” A tear falls from his eyes. “It’s just all so confusing.”

“It’s alright to be confused, man,” Jonas tells him seriously.

“Jonas is right,” Mahdi agrees. “It’s important to know that what you feel and have felt is valid.”

Magnus nods slowly. “Who is Sonja to say what Even feels for you? How is she certain that he isn’t really—you know—in love with you?”

“ _Magnus_!” Jonas hisses.

Magnus looks bewildered. “No, listen! I mean—it’s not like he can’t fall in love with Isak, right? He’s just—well—not in a good state right now, but that doesn’t stop a man to fall in love, does it?”

Isak shrugs, pulling at the seams of his shirt now. “I don’t know, Magnus. I guess maybe that’s why it hurts so much.”

And that’s probably the most honest words Isak has uttered today.

*

It’s Sunday now and Isak hasn’t really been sleeping well. It’s quiet and he’s hungry. After his friends had left, Isak left the room for the first time since the _incident_ and threw up all of the pizza he'd eaten.

And it really isn’t because he’s trying to hurt himself. It just hurts too much for him to stomach it.

He looks for his phone and finds it underneath the sheets of the bed. He searches a good 15 minutes for his charger until he finally finds it underneath his bed behind a heap of dirty clothes.

When the familiar Apple icon lights up finally, he feels a cold shower of complete dread. What if Even has been messaging him the entire night? What if Sonja tells him that Even hates him?

But he has only one text message and three missed calls from his mother:

_Are you okay, Isak?_

It’s the most _here_ his mother has ever felt for such a long time he almost starts crying again. He stares at the message until his eyes tears up from the lack of blinking.

He shuts his eyes and inhales shakily.

_Min sønn._

Exhale.

And he types:

 _I’m fine, I fell asleep_.

But he deletes it right away and instead he sends another message:

 _Not really. I’m not sure what’s going on, but there’s something wrong with Even and I don’t know if what we had ever was real_.

He closes the phone and throws it on top of his bed. A shaky hand combs his dirty hair and he looks at the half-eaten pizza. It has probably hardened overnight and is most likely no longer edible. He side-glances at the plate Eskild brought before walking towards his door when the notification sound from his phone stops him on his track.

_Is it from Even, Sonja, Jonas, Mum, Dad, Magnus, Mahdi, Eskild, Noora—?_

He turns back and opens his phone again. It’s from his mother again.

_If you felt it was real it was real to you, and that is the only thing that matters. God wanted you to know this boy, and He brought both of you together. It is a cherished and important part of life to Love. Don’t let doubt tear it apart, Isak._

He swallows thickly, but he doesn’t know what to respond so he decides not to do it.

Not now. Not when he doesn’t know what to think anymore.

He makes himself toast in the kitchen and washes it down with lukewarm water. It tastes nothing but he hopes it will calm his stomach.

“Oh, hi Isak,” Eskild’s voice wakes him up from day-dreaming. “Oh,” he says again, looking at the toaster and the glass. “Do you feel better? Do you need anything?”  
  
Isak shrugs and looks down. He can’t bear seeing the pity in Eskild’s eyes. He was right. Even never would or will break up with Sonja. Even will never be his _kjæreste._

”Okay,” Eskild relents. “Do you wanna watch the TV and take your mind off things?”

That sounds like a good idea. It’s not like he’s going to get a lot of sleep anyway.

“Sure,” Isak agrees.

It isn’t until Isak returns to his room and remembers that he has a phone that he notices a single message from Even:

_Jeg tenker på deg hele tiden. Du er for deilig._

He must take a deep breath and remember to keep breathing.

Even thinks of him. Even is still thinking of Isak. And while a part of him wants to feel smugly pleased about it, another part is worried it’s not healthy and not helping Even to get better. Because above wanting to be together with him, he wants Even to be well and safe.

He closes his phone and disconnect the charger. There’s no point in responding to him, and there’s no point for him to have his phone on him.

He sends a text to his dad:

_I need to take Monday off school. Something happened and I haven’t been able to sleep. I can’t tell you over text and I can’t really talk about it right now. I just want to think things through and sleep on it._

And then he turns off his phone and puts it beside his pizza.

*

It takes a while to get over Even. Well, Isak isn’t really over Even, but he’s starting to function again and merge with reality. The part that takes most time to figure out is who he is without Even now. Is he still gay, can he still talk to his friends, can he still look his parents in their eyes and find undying love and support there? Well, the short answer is yes to all questions. The long answer is _yes, but before you can even think of these things you should re-evaluate your entire life from start and find yourself there, because right now you’re broken and anyone with a good set of eyes can see that_.

So after he’s accepted the turnout of the _incident_ he realises that life goes on, and he has to follow. He doesn’t want to be stuck in this pain forever. (Even though he finds it really hard to block Even’s number, but he can’t stand the messages Even leaves him in the middle of the night, and the frustrated messages from Sonja where she’s partly apologetic about how she talked to Isak that night, but partly unapologetic for trying to keep Even away from Isak.)

It wasn’t Sonja’s idea to block Even. It was his own.

He continues school, he continues to argue with Sana during class, and he calls his mother every other day to tell her about his life.

That’s how he wants things to be.

He wants to love his life, and to love it, he must let the pain go away. He _must_ or he will never be able to laugh with his friends again. He _must_ or he won’t ever be able to do anything again.

*

It’s been three weeks since the _incident_. Christmas is just around the corner, and Isak is home with his mother for the first time in forever.

The Christmas Tree is sparkly and traditional, with gifts littered underneath.

Suddenly his heart restricts with pain. The realisation that Even isn’t here _hurts_ because they had talked about Christmas and what they wanted to give each other and what they would be doing. But here he is, with his mother, alone and waiting for his father to show up with Lea.

“I just need some air,” he says, and hurries outside. He quickly grabs his jacket with one swift motion on the way.

His mother just hums in response while setting the table.

When he’s outside and the notices the calm snowfall, he puts on his jacket he realises there’s a piece of paper in his pocket.

The familiar feeling creeps underneath his skin and, as though in trance, he unfolds the paper with shaky hands.

On it there’s a single square with a drawn picture of him and Even sitting near a fireplace and a Christmas Tree. The figures exchange gifts with happy smiles on their faces.

At the bottom, it says:

_God jul, Isak! Why don’t you unblock my number? I thought Sonja texted you._

His heart speed up. When had Even been able to put it in his pocket? Had he walked past Even without recognising him? What does he mean?

Uncertainty hits him hard and he nearly stumbles. His knees shake ever so slightly, but for Isak, it feels like the world is spinning.

Should he unblock Even? Is he ready for this? To have his heart broken again, the day before Christmas?

He decides to take a leap of faith and unblocks Even. Before he decides to text him, he looks through the messages from Sonja, but she clearly hasn’t texted him in a few weeks.

He types:

_Hi Even. I got your drawing. Thank you. Are you feeling better?_

He stops before he sends it. He reads and re-reads his message before he presses the button to send.

The response is almost instant:

_Halla Isak. I’m back on my meds again and feeling better. I’m sorry I never told you, but you said you didn’t want mentally ill people in your life. I was scared. I’m sorry about Sonja, too. I have actually broken up with her now. I was wondering if I may have another chance to take you out on a date? I promise I won’t run into the night completely starkers either._

Isak nearly drops his phone. He doesn’t understand. Sonja and Even had been together for so long, why did Even break up with her? Is he really on medication right now? Can he _trust_ him?

 _I don’t understand_ , he texts back.

He waits for a response, but there isn’t any. He waits three seconds, five seconds, ten seconds—but he is only met with silence.

His hand curls into a fist around the phone.

“Fuck!” he swears, looking up at the sky. “Why?”

And then he hears his ringtone.

It says Even on the screen.

He hesitates, but only for a moment, before he answers.

“Hi,” he says quietly.

“Halla,” Even says, and Isak can hear his smile. “What don’t you understand? I want to give us another try. When I’m less of a—well. You get it.”

Isak’s breath hitches. “You said you broke up with Sonja. Is that true?”

Even is silent for a couple of seconds. Those few seconds are enough to almost twist Isak’s stomach around. “Yes, it’s true. I wasn’t lying when I said I was back on my meds again. I’m sorry I kind of dragged you into everything. You need to understand that while I have my—well— _episodes_ , I’m not completely reliable. But I will always be the man of your life. If you want me to be, that is. I really want to be that to you, though. If that’s okay.”

Isak frowns. Why is Even rambling? Even doesn’t ramble.

“I realise that I’m rambling,” Even says with a chuckle. “I’m sorry. I’m just—well, nervous, I guess.”

 _Nervous_. Even is _nervous_. Since when did they switch positions?

“How did you get the drawing into my pocket?” Isak asks then, this time a tad curious. “I don’t remember seeing you today.”

Even laughs. “You didn’t. I called Eskild and explained everything to him—and by the way, _that man can shout_ —and I asked him to meet me up to get the drawing to put it in your pocket.”

Isak’s mind is reeling. “But…” he wanders off.

If Eskild did this, that must mean Eskild trusts Even. Could it be that Even really is alright now?

“But if you’re okay, why did you break up with Sonja?” he asks.

Even sighs softly. “I will always love her for what she’s done for me, for what she has endured for me and for the support she’s given me. But I can’t be together with someone who isn’t you. And I couldn’t just get over you, so it didn’t feel fair to Sonja either. I fell really hard for you, Isak. _Jeg er forelsket i deg med_. And I hope you will have me. Good and bad.”

Isak tries to understand. So Even really is in love with him? He really cares about him? He’s on the phone, somewhere, and pouring his heart out for him?

And Isak remembers the night of the _incident_. He remembers how scared he was for Even, and how destroyed he felt after Sonja left.

Could he ever put himself in Sonja’s shoes? Get cheated on and then being dumped? No, not really. But he could love Even, and he could take care of himself without Even. That much was evident, regardless of how hard it had been.

“Where are you?” Isak asks. “I want to see you.”

“I was on my way to you, but Eskild told me you were staying at your mum’s. So I’m currently about a 15 minute walk away from you, according to the maps.”

Isak’s heart nearly stops. “You’re kidding?”

“No, Isak, I’m not,” Even tells him, his voice is serious again. “I was hoping to be there when you’d find your letter. But I’m not. And I want to see you too, by the way.”

The words hit him right in the heart, and he can feel his knees buckle under his weight. Even is still Even. Still a bit dramatic, but not scarily so. Just Even. It’s… nice. “I really miss you, Even. I really do.”

“I miss you like hell, Isak.”

They fall silent. Isak listens to Even’s breathing and it’s oddly comforting to hear. He puts his free hand into his pocket to hide from the cold.

It’s nice to talk to Even again. It’s nice to hear his voice again and to know he’s okay. But the pain Isak’s gone through, thinking he’s been used, blaming himself, blaming the world…

He can’t live with a constant pain like that again. He can’t. Not even for a minute.

Isak takes a deep breath. “I’ve been hurting so much these last week, and I don’t want to go through that again.”

He can hear from the speaker that it makes Even stop. The sound of the wind is no longer as apparent as before.

“I’m sorry, Isak. But I can’t promise you won’t be hurting again. I can’t help having episodes. But I really do love you.”

Isak sniffles softly. His wound suddenly open again. He knows that he wants Even so much it almost kills him, but he’s scared of the pain. He doesn’t want to tear his heart apart.

The tears fall down his cheeks again. The chilly touches of wind make his face feel so cold. It feels odd to be freezing at the same time the warm feeling of comfort and love snakes around his heart again.

“Plus, I miss your bed. It’s better than mine,” Even jokes nervously. It makes Isak laugh.

“Yeah, I know,” Isak smiles with his cheeks wet. “I guess we can start all over again. But we really need to talk things through before.”

“I’m nodding, in case you were wondering,” Even says. He’s begun walking again. “I want you to know who I am. And I want to know who you are, because everything isn’t very clear in my head right now. All I know is that my heart aches without you, and that I can’t sleep very well because I’ve forgotten what you smell like.”

Isak sniffles. “And what song was that from?”

The line dies off and Isak stares at his phone. “Even? Even, are you still there?”

Of course he isn’t. The call got cut off. Isak sniffles again and stares at the screen. His phone didn’t die. Maybe Even’s did? He opens his contacts list, desperately swiping down to find Even’s number and—

Two arms sneak behind him and he yelps before he mid-turn realises that it’s Even. He nearly screams in disbelief but laugh and cries and laughs and cries in Even’s arms. He lets his face find Even’s cold, bare neck and he allows himself to breathe in the man of his life.

He smells a bit different. But it’s okay. It’s okay because it’s refreshing. It’s still Even and it’s still the distinct smell of Even’s favourite body wash.

He can feel Even burying his face in Isak’s hair and Even’s hands hold him still while he’s shaking so badly it’s a wonder he’s still upright.

His hands live grabs onto Even and he clings to him like it’s his lifeline.

“You’re okay, you’re here, you’re okay, you’re here, you’re here.” Most of what Isak says is an incoherent mumbling mess, muffled as he presses his face harder onto Even’s neck.

“I’m fine,” Even agrees, brushing away Isak’s locks from the face. “It’s okay. I’m still here. I’m still me, see?” He pulls away to look Isak in the eyes. “ _See_?”

Isak meets his eyes and nods. Then smiles weakly. “You look like hell,” he points out, noticing the dark circles underneath Even’s eyes.

“Thanks,” Even replies, rolling his eyes.

Unsure, but suddenly filled with the courage to be brave, Isak leans up and kisses Even on his lips. It starts hesitantly, exploring, before they pull each other closer and Isak is almost afraid to ever let this moment go.

“It wasn’t any particular song, by the way,” Even whispers then, pulling away little from the kiss. “It was just what my heart told me to tell you.”

*

_“Been both too high and too low;_  
_And nothing seems to let me let you go.”_

—Dennis Kalla with Change Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> "Tror du at han er forelsket i deg?" is what Sonja tells Isak at the end of 3x8. "Do you think he's in love with you/has a crush on you?" The word "forelsket" basically is pre-in love, the beginning of the process of falling in love. The following "Han er jo ikke det! Det er bare en syk idé han har akkurat nå!" is also the words from Sonja. Basically: "Well, he isn't! It's just a sick (dumb) idea he has right now!"
> 
> "Jeg tenker på deg hele tiden. Du er for deilig." is made up. It means "I think of you all the time. You are too amazing."
> 
> "Kjæreste" is used as boyfriend, but basically means "beloved" I guess. **Correction:** : It's "dearest". 
> 
> "God jul" means Happy Christmas.


End file.
